it's eid..

it's the 4th day of eid today, i was sick from the eve of eid and i only got truly better today, had a lovely dinner with joni and noveen and basically that's raya for me.. usually the 1st morning of eid i'll go with my family to visit my late sis at the kubur, this year i was sick and so was baba, so we both stayed home.. andy came and visit me for a while in the afternoon and left before it was dark, apparently bcos nak pergi beraya.. as much as i tried to understand, i secretly resent him for doing that, i was sick to the extend sampai pakai socks bcos it was just so damn cold and my body was freaking hot.. i couldn't even keep a straight face while entertaining joni and noveen when they came the 2nd day of raya and i was a bit better on that day, so imagined how i was on the 1st day..

i missed my fiancee, we used to be so close together and these past few months, i don't even know him anymore, it scares me.. sometimes it's just easier to let go, maybe it is time to let go, i don't know, everything is such a blur.. the only time when we do actually talk is when we're fighting, i do wonder that maybe if we were to end up together, that will be our only choice of communication, which is so not healthy for a relationship.. i'm envious of ppl who has found their partner in life and works at building it, i thought i found my partner, but with each passing day, i started to question my choice, did i settle bcos i thought this is the best i could ever find? did i settle bcos it was about time when almost everyone i know is either engaged, or married, or planning to get married or even having babies?? did i settle?? i'll always joke with joni that maybe even the day she's pregnant, i'm still not sure when's my wedding day, it's so much easier to take things lightly then taking things so seriously..

there are number of times that i think to myself, maybe if i haven't met him, life would be so much simpler.. we're together for almost 3 years, he's not romantic, i know, i've accepted it, but i am, not to the extend of roses and candlelight dinner, but i'm romantic enough, my ideal night is cuddling right next to him watching a good movie, seriously, that's it.. i get to feed off his warmth and feel really safe in it, and even that is a very, very rare occasion.. the point is i'm sad, that is all there is to it actually, i'm sad that the one man that i want to spend the rest of my life with rather be with his family and spending each waking moment he has with them instead of me..

i came across a saying that goes something like this:-
"it's better to marry someone who loves u more than u love him"

i'm starting to see some truth in it..